Co-Parenting with a Controlling Ex: Will You Let God's Crazy Love Win?
Listen, if you're co-parenting with a controlling ex-spouse, I don't have to paint the picture for you—this is spiritual warfare wearing the mask of everyday parenting. It's not just an annoying schedule clash or a difference in parenting styles. This is war. Every text that demands explanations for your choices, every handoff where the kids come back confused or anxious, every decision about school, doctors, or holidays that turns into a power struggle. Micromanaging your parenting time. Withholding critical information about the kids' lives. Guilt trips layered on blame layered on subtle (or not-so-subtle) criticism designed to keep you off-balance and doubting yourself. It's exhausting on a level that goes beyond tired—it's soul-draining. You're angry, hurt, defensive, and wondering if real peace is even possible anymore. And your kids? They're the ones truly caught in the crossfire. Research screams it from every study: high-conflict co-parenting leads to higher rates of anxiety, depression, behavioral problems, and even long-term emotional scars in children. But when parents manage to cooperate—even from separate homes—kids show better mental health, higher self-esteem, stronger academic performance, and greater resilience into adulthood.
But here's the gut-wrenching, life-altering truth I want you to hear: This isn't ultimately a parenting problem or a legal problem or even an ex-spouse problem. This is a God problem. It's about your heart, my heart, and how desperately we need to be consumed by Jesus in the middle of the fire. Most family breakdowns—divorce, co-parenting nightmares, bitterness that lingers for years—trace right back to a diminished, domesticated view of God. We've forgotten how massive, holy, and relentlessly loving He is. Divorce already happened. That's the reality we're living in. But right now, in this exact season of tension and pain, God has sovereignly placed you here for a purpose far bigger than comfort or fairness. He's not just asking you to cope with strategies, apps, and court orders. No. He's inviting you—calling you—to something radically countercultural: to parent in the blazing fire of His crazy, pursuing, never-giving-up love, even when the person across the divide feels like your enemy.
Jesus didn't give us wiggle room on this. He looked His followers in the eye and said, "Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you" (Matthew 5:44). Your controlling ex? In this season, they are the one persecuting you—whether through manipulation, alienation attempts, or constant conflict. So pray for them. Not surface-level, gritted-teeth prayers like, "God, fix them already so my life gets easier." I'm talking raw, honest, Spirit-dependent prayers: "Father, break through their hardness. Let them encounter Your overwhelming love. Use even my imperfect responses to draw them closer to You." It feels absolutely insane. Impossible, even. But that's the entire point of the gospel—it's humanly impossible, but the Holy Spirit makes it possible. We've forgotten God—the third Person of the Trinity—who lives inside every believer and empowers us to do what flesh cannot. Trying to "manage" high-conflict co-parenting in our own strength just leaves us burned out, bitter, and reacting in ways we later regret.
Studies confirm that kids thrive when parents can cooperate from separate homes. But honestly? God isn't satisfied with mere thriving. He wants something eternal. He wants your children to grow up witnessing the supernatural reality of Jesus in you—unshakable peace, radical forgiveness, love that defies logic. Eternity hangs in the balance here. This isn't ultimately about winning the next custody skirmish or proving you're the "better" parent. It's about raising kids who burn with passion for God instead of being scarred by our unresolved resentment. God has strategically placed you in their lives to represent His loving, authoritative presence. The question is: Will you reflect Him faithfully? Or will anger and self-protection rob them of seeing the real Jesus?
Let me hit you with some raw, uncomfortable truth—lukewarm Christianity will not survive this battlefield. If you're just trying to survive with clever strategies while your heart stays hardened, you're living a half-in faith that God warns against strongly. Revelation 3 isn't gentle about it. "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus" (Philippians 4:6-7). This isn't a nice suggestion for when life is calm. It's a command for the trenches. Stop reacting out of hurt. Start surrendering everything—right now, today.
1. Surrender the Unchangeable: Die to Self Daily
You cannot fix or control your ex's heart. Full stop. The more you chase that illusion, the more you fuel the conflict and exhaust yourself. "If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone" (Romans 12:18). Notice that phrase—"as far as it depends on you." That's your lane. Your response. Your heart posture. The next time a manipulative or provoking message lands in your inbox, don't fire back immediately. Pause. Drop to your knees if you can. Cry out to the Holy Spirit: "I can't love like this on my own. Fill me. Show me what crazy love looks like in this moment." Dying to pride and the need to be right isn't weakness—it's the same path Jesus walked to the cross for His enemies. For you.
Do this now: Make a commitment—no defensive replies without prayer first. Watch how God begins to move in ways you never expected.
2. Boundaries Fueled by the Spirit, Not Fleshly Anger
Boundaries are not optional; they're biblical obedience that protects everyone involved. But if they're built from bitterness or retaliation, they become weapons instead of safeguards. Use practical tools like OurFamilyWizard or TalkingParents for documented, child-focused communication. Limit discussions strictly to logistics about the kids—no personal attacks, no rehashing the past. This protects your heart, models wisdom to your children, and reflects Christ's own boundaries—He overturned tables when needed but also washed the feet of betrayers.
Do this now: Prayerfully draft or update a clear parenting plan with specific protocols. Present it not as an ultimatum, but as a step toward peace. Let your boundaries be fences of grace rather than fortresses of hate.
3. BIFF Communication? No—Gospel-Saturated Communication
BIFF (Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm) is a solid starting point. But let's take it further. Infuse every message with the aroma of Christ: "The kids have a school event Friday at 6 p.m. Here's the link and details. Praying you have a blessed week." No sarcasm. No undermining. Never, ever speak negatively about your ex in front of the children. Instead, say things like, "Your mom/dad loves you very much, and we both want the best for you." Kids forced into loyalty conflicts crash emotionally and spiritually. You're called to display 1 Corinthians 13 love—patient, kind, not easily angered, keeping no record of wrongs.
Do this now: Practice your responses out loud or in a draft before sending. Ask the Spirit to replace your words with His.
4. Parallel Parenting: Wisdom for True Toxicity
If genuine collaboration feels impossible because of ongoing manipulation or abuse, shift to parallel parenting—minimal direct interaction while each of you fulfills your responsibilities independently. This isn't giving up or failing; it's strategic wisdom for spiritual war zones. God does not require you to enable sin or repeatedly subject yourself to harm. But even in parallel mode, keep praying fervently for your ex's transformation. Eternity is forever, and God's grace is bigger than any hardness.
Do this now: If needed, involve a mediator or court to establish the parallel structure. Then double down on prayer—make it your primary weapon.
5. Kids First—But Eternity First
Your top priority isn't "winning" the conflict or looking good—it's the eternal souls of your children. Reassure them every single day: "God loves you with a crazy, never-stopping love. Both your parents love you too." Be the stable, Spirit-filled rock they can always count on. Research shows consistent, stable parenting leads to thriving kids. Scripture promises that faithful, Spirit-led parenting raises warriors for God's kingdom.
Do this now: Start or deepen bedtime prayers together—for healing, for both homes, for everyone's hearts. Watch faith begin to ignite in your kids.
6. Self-Care? No—Soul-Care Surrendered to the Spirit
When exhaustion and despair hit hard (and they will), don't just push through with coffee and willpower. You're likely neglecting daily dependence on the Holy Spirit. Yes, exercise, eat well, connect with safe friends—but none of that sustains without crying out to God first and often. Journal the painful interactions for clarity and potential documentation, but spend even more time journaling God's faithfulness and answered prayers. Trials aren't meant to be dodged; they're meant to refine us into pure gold.
Do this now: Set aside 10–15 minutes every day: "Holy Spirit, I surrender this day. Fill me afresh. Empower me to love the way You love."
7. Document Wisely, but Pray Relentlessly
Yes, document everything—for legal protection and accountability. Keep a clear record. But don't let documentation become an idol that breeds bitterness or vengeance. That's exactly where Satan wants you. Lean hard into the body of Christ. Share your struggles with trusted believers who will pray with you, hold you accountable, and remind you of truth when emotions cloud everything.
Do this now: Set up your documentation system if you haven't already. Then lock in at least one accountability partner who will pray with you regularly.
Brothers and sisters, this trial you're walking through? It's your Crazy Love defining moment. God could instantly remove the conflict or change your ex's heart in a heartbeat. He often doesn't—because He wants you (and your kids, and maybe even your ex) to become utterly obsessed with Him. He wants the world to see His power on display through forgiveness and love that make no human sense. Your children will either witness the real Jesus alive in you, or they'll see a watered-down faith that couldn't withstand pressure. The choice is ours: lukewarm survival that leaves everyone wounded, or radical, Spirit-empowered obedience that changes generations.
Pray for your ex like they're your personal mission field. Let the Holy Spirit guard your heart with peace that defies circumstances. True peace doesn't come from fixed situations—it comes from a heart fixed on eternity.
You're not alone in this fight. As a Christian psychologist, I've walked alongside many parents in your exact shoes, blending Scripture, Spirit-led wisdom, and proven clinical strategies to find real healing and breakthrough. Reach out today. Let's pursue God's crazy love together and watch Him redeem what feels utterly broken.
What if God placed you in this fire to show the world His resurrection power? Surrender fully. Obey radically. Love crazily. And stand back to see what only He can do.
Held tight in His relentless grace, Dr. David Lombard